Warcraft 3 for dummies

For Jarkko

6 years ago…


Prelude:

Thrall, the young warchief: Grom, my friend, where are you?

Grom: I'm here.

Raven that can turn into a man: WORDS OF DOOM! You must leave the Eastern Kingdoms and go to Kalimdor.

Thrall: Rocks.


Humans:

King Terenas: There's a plague killing people in the north, and a million undead too. Arthas my son, go see what's up.

Arthas: I want a fatherfigure and a shag.

Terenas: Sure. Uther Lightbringer, go with him, and get that chick Jaina to come along too.

Uther: Rocks.


The three go north, kill a million undead and realize the grain is what's spreading the plague, which, in turn, is what turns people to undead. Andorhal has already shipped the grain everywhere, and in the nearby town of Stratholme everyone already ate it and is about to become undead as soon as they will, well, die.


Arthas: This is an undead army waiting to happen. I'll slay them all while they live.

Uther: My heart's bleeding! [leaves]

Jaina: TaH Pain! [leaves]

Arthas: You both suck. [slaughters Stratholme]


Kel'Thuzad: Hello! I'm a necromancer with a clan of undead-worshipping people, but I'm just a plot device for the next chapter! My death means nothing.

Arthas: Fair enough. [kills Kel'Thuzad]


Mal'Ganis: I'm an evil demon dreadlord, but I'm NOT the one behind the plague! I'm setting a trap for you up in Northrend, come and meet your destiny.

Arthas: Rocks.


Raven that can turn into a man: WORDS OF DOOM! You must leave the Eastern Kingdoms and go to Kalimdor.

Everyone: What? Go away, you crazy plot device.

Jaina: I like his hair.[Goes to Kalimdor]


Up in Northrend:

Army: We want to go home.

Arthas: You suck, and no. [hires mercenaries to burn the ships, blames them and gets his army to slaughter them all] Well, looks like we're stuck here. TaH Pain.

Muradin Bronzebeard: Arthas, my old friend! I'm only here to show the players how terrible a monster you've become! And also, I'm here looking for this cool sword, Frostmourne. Also: Note my cool Sean Connery accent!

Arthas: Rocks. Love the accent, too. Lets' get the sword.

[They get the sword, which turns out to be totally cursed, and kills Muradin]

Arthas: WORLD DOMINATION!

Army: Where's Muradin?

Arthas: [Kills Mal'Ganis] He's dead, along with my conscience and the plot. Now let me go back, kill my father and get this over with. [becomes a monstrous deathknight]

Player: Rocks.


Undead:

Tichondrius the Dreadlord: Hello. I'm an evil demon dreadlord. Since you have no soul or goal now, why don't you work for us?

Arthas: Rocks.

Tichondrius: Coo. Go resurrect Kel'Thuzad, then. He needs to summon the REAL boss of this whole plague business.

Arthas: Rocks.

Tichondrius: To resurrect him you need a powerful source of power. Go suck on the high-elves Sunwell, it's up in Silvermoon.

Arthas: Rocks.

Tichondrius: Do you ever say anything else?

Arthas: FROSTMOURNE HUNGERS!

Tichondrius: Ah… right.


On the way to Silvermoon:

Uther Lightbringer: You suck!

Arthas: Whatever. [kills]


Silvermoon:

Sylvanas Windrunner the cool elf ranger: Foul deathknight! I shall lay thy evil soul blah blah blah </Uruviel>

Arthas: Shuttup, bitch, or I'll slay you and make you my banshee lapdog.

Sylvanas Windrunner: My poetry fears none! Thou shalt be smitten by –

Arthas: [kills and resurrects her as a banshee, gets to the Sunwell and drains it to resurrect Kel'Thuzad]


Dalaran, city of mages:

Kel'Thuzad: [summons the great archdemon Archimonde, who looks like an oversized draenei]

Archimonde: Rawr. [destroys Dalaran]


Orcs:

Following the orders of the Raven that can turn into a man, Thrall leads his people to Kalimdor. On his way he meets trolls fighting murlocs on an island and saves them, which isn't really in the game but is important to know, as these are the sissy trolls in the Horde today. The others are coconut-testied rugged evil trolls who hate everyone. Anyway, all the ships drown and Thrall's army – orcs and trolls – lands in Kalimdor.


Cow in distress: Help, help:

Thrall: To the rescue! [becomes friends with the tauren]

Cairne the Cow: I'm leader of the cows, orc-friend. Also, there's an oracle up in Stonetalon, if you're looking for the plot.

Thrall: Yay! Grom, you stay here in Ashenvale and gather lumber while I do this.

Grom: You suck. [obeys]


Elsewhere:

Tichondrius the Dreadlord: Oh, hi, Mannaroth. Your pet-orcs fled to Ashenvale and are now composing poetry.

Mannaroth the pit lord: NO! No slaves of mine will write poetry! [goes to Ashenvale and spills some of his blood into a pool] Mwahaha! Ph34r my bl00d!


Ashenvale:

Grom: [gathers lumber]

Cenarius, demigod of the elves: Who dares defile my forest?! I am Cenarius, demigod of the night elves, and my cock is huge!

Random troll NPC: Grom-mon! I sense power in tha woods!

Grom and the army: [Go to the pool and drink Mannoroth's blood, becoming all-powerful and tainted fel-orcs]

Cenarius: Oh shit.

Grom: You got that right, stag-boy. [kills]


Stonetalon:

Thrall: Here's the oracle's cave! And here's that human girl I saw land on the shore this morning, too.

Jaina: I have come to Kalimdor as was told by the man with the cool hair.

Oracle: [turns out to be Raven that can turn into a man]: You have come! WORDS OF DOOM! Now unite or I shall WORDS OF DOOM! you again.

Thrall and Jaina: Rocks.

Raven that can turn into a man: Also, your friend Grom's evil now.

Thrall and Jaina: Don't worry, we'll sing kumbaya to him and everything will be alright! With our powers united we will bring WORLD PEACE! [frolic to Ashenvale and cleanse Grom together.]


Grom: [meeks] I'm sowwy.

Thrall: Don't worry, friend. There is still time to undo the blah blah poetry blah.


Both go to Ashenvale and kill Mannoroth, Grom sacrificing himself in the process.


Dying Grom: I have saved myself.

Thrall: No, brother. You have saved us all.


Night Elves:

Tyrande whisperwind: By Elune, it sucks to be me. Last time I got some was ten thousand years ago, after which my husband turned away and went to sleep in the Emerald Dream. I'm bitter and annoyed, and there's some evil lurking in my forests, too.


Ashenvale:

Orcs and humans: So, ah, we're working together now?

Jaina and Thrall: [cheerfully] Yes! [go to bake cookie]

Tyrande: FOUL, TREE CUTTING CREATURS! [slaughters]

Undead: [show up out of the blue and kills everyone]

Tyrande: *coughs* Ah, I guess the orcs and humans aren't the evil after all. [Flees]


Tyrande realizes there's no choice but to wake up the druids. She wakes up her husband Malfurion, who goes with her to the secret Moonglade tunnels to wake yet MORE druids.


Tyrande: Whoah, I know this place! That's where we locked your brother Illidan 10,000 years ago for using magic.

Malfurion: And cut his eyes out, too.

Tyrande: He could kill the undead for us.

Malfurion: I forbid it!

Tyrande: Screw you. [frees Illidan]


Illidan: [goes all teenage-bitter on Malfurion's ass]

Malfurion: I don't have time for this shit. Go and protect Felwood.

Illidan: kk.


Felwood:

Arthas: Yo, Illidan! Love the blades. You look like ninja. Also, what's corrupting the elven woods is a demonic artifact called The Skull of Gul'Dan. It's all powerful and grants immense powers, but I'm sure you'll be able to conquer your passions and destroy it.


They duel just because a duel between Arthas and Illidan is OH SO COOL and leave.


Illidan: Oh, here's the skull of Gul'Dan. Blimey, with this thing my cock will grow even bigger. [uses the skull to become an all-powerful half-demon and kills all the undead and their leader, the dreadlord Tichondrius]


Malfurion and Tyrande: OMG! You're a demon. Go away and never return.

Illidan: kk. [Goes imba in Outland]


Elsewhere:

Malfurion and Tyrande: So, the Raven that can turn into a man told us to come here.

Jaina and Thrall: Yeah, us too.

Raven that can turn into a man: I am Medivh, guardian of this world against the demons. I once sucked and brought the orcs here through the dark portal, but now I'm a goody two-shoes and I'll bring you WORDS OF DOOM! Unless you work together. Archimonde the demon is about to TAKE OVER THE WORLD! Go to the world tree in Mount Hyjal and stop him.

Everyone: Rocks.


Battle of Mount Hyjal:

The allied forces battle Archimonde for endless hours until he dies. There's lots of cute wisp fireworks, too.


THE END