The Scarlet Crusade For Dummies

The Ashbringer For Dummies

 

[Seven years ago, Southshore. Lordaeron has just been destroyed and the Plague rages throughout the land]

 

Alexandros Mograine: Ok, fellow knights of the Silver Hand! We all know Arthas betrayed us and our hearts are bleeding, so I suggest we disband that sissy Silver Hand gig and form a Nazi organization called The Scarlet Crusade, to hint to the world how kind and fluffy we are. And also, I found this crystal and we’re going to make it into a kickass sword to kill Scourge. [does]

 

Renault Mograine: My daddy Alexandros loves my brother Darion more than he loves me! [/whine]

 

Highlord Dathrohan: Alexandros, my old friend, how nice to see you. On my last visit to Stratholme I was killed and now my corpse is possessed by a demon called Balnazzar who is manipulating you all. Ah, that’s a lovely son you have there. Let me corrupt him to work for Kel’Thuzad. [does and is off to become last boss of Stratholme Scarlet side]

 

Renault Mograine: [is corrupted] Daddy! You and that pal of yours, Fairbanks, must come to Stratholme! There’s, erm, a bus full of nuns being ran over by Scourge there!

 

Alexandros & Fairbanks: To the rescue!

 

[They go to Stratholme to discover it’s an ambush. Fairbanks is buried under mountains of scourge and after 3000 udnead slain Alexandros faints with fatigue, at which point his son creeps behind him and kills him with The Ashbringer.]

 

Alexandros: Oh crap.

Kel’Thuzad: Awesome! Now come and lead my Four Horsemen in Naxxramas. [raises him as a death knight now wielding the Corrupted Ashbringer]

Alexandros: Oh crap.

Kel’Thuzad: Oh look! It’s been seven years and you didn’t even notice, but here’s your son Darion sneaking into Naxxramas to save you, and what do you know, I still control you like a puppet.

Alexandros: Oh crap.

Darion Mograine: Daddy! We’re here to rescue you! [is attacked by his father and forced to kill him]

Alexandros: Oh crap.

Waldorf: Does he ever say anything else?

Statler: FROSTMOURNE HUNGERS.

 

Darion Mograine: [holding the Corrupted Ashbringer] The sword... it speaks to me. I know what to do!

Arthas: That’s what I said and no one believed me.

 

[In the Scarlet Monastery]

 

Renault Mograine: Darion, brother, how did that fail mission to save daddy go?

Spirit of Alexandros Mograine: [leaps out from the sword] Renault, you killed your father. Prepare to die.

Renault Mograine: [/cower] Daddy, I’m sorry!

Spirit of Alexandros Mograine: [beheads him] You’re forgiven. [Fades and the sword is purified]

Darion: Oh noes. Now he’s gone and I have no idea what actually happened.

Fairbanks: I bet you’re surprised to see a Forsaken in the Scarlet Monastery. It’s ok, all the other players were. If you just let me touch the Ashbringer my undeath will be cured and I will tell you the whole thing.

Darion: [does]

Fairbanks: [tells]

Darion: Gods that’s so long I feel like confronting the Lich King for my father’s soul. Someone should write an The Ashbringer for Dummies.

Fairbanks: Now that you mention it, yes. I’ll see to it, you go moon Arthas and take over the new death knights.

Darion: Rocks.